new year … New ______

January 1st. It’s a new year, a new me. I anxiously scribble out notes on the freshly dotted lines of paper. Run a 5k, build an emergency fund, only eat out twice a week, go to the gym 5 times a week, drink 8 cups of water a day. My heart is beating in anxious anticipation as I jot down goal after goal, habit after habit. My hand begins to cramp as I cannot seem to write as quickly as these fresh ideas are coming to me. It feels addictive and invigorating to write down all of these feats and triumphs with 364 days ahead of me to accomplish them all. I use washi tape, multi-colored markers, and pens, cute stickers, and unrealistic expectations to decorate my new bullet journal picked straight from the stationary aisle at my local target. I saw one of my favorite influencers use one of these to plan out her year and in an attempt to be just like her, healthy, organized, put together, and beautiful, I bought one for $8.99.

Fast forward eight months, I am staring at my computer screen at home after a mentally taxing day of remote work. I’m completely stressed, without a car, the loneliest I had felt in months, ten pounds heavier than when I started the year, spiritually disconnected from God, and wondering how I am going to pay my bills because I plan on quitting my job in two weeks. One month later, I was unemployed, sleeping in until noon every day, feeling lost, uninspired and  like a complete failure. How could I fail my parents by wasting my education, how could I fail myself by letting myself get this unhealthy physically and mentally? What was I going to do? 

Waking up to a new day exactly one year later, I’m in a much better space but the New Year is still daunting. 365 days left to completely transform my life quickly turn into 308, 307, 295… and the clock keeps ticking. However, this year it is a bit different. In past years the days have passed in a blur of desperately climbing an unending mountain of constantly changing goals. Always feeling 3 steps behind, even when I am taking 5 giant steps forward. In a state of frantic preparation or dull apathy, rarely did I find myself in between. I think the reason for this is because of how I oriented my time and self changed. Before I was so consumed with what I would do that I never took the time to think about who I was becoming. Let me explain.

I have never been much of a runner, in fact, I have been known to abhor it and marvel at the fact that there are people who voluntarily do it on a regular basis, at long distances and lengthy intervals. Every time I began my running (more like jogging) journey, my shins would splinter, my knees would ache, my feet would go numb, and my lungs would burn for more air. ‘How do people do this?’ I’m sweating and trying my best to focus on the Kanye West lyrics that are blasting through my airpods. ‘I think I’m going to throw up’; I dry heave as I am closing in close to a mile. ‘Is it super obvious to everyone how severely out of shape I am?’ Just a few more and BZZZZZ. My apple watch notifies me that we have done it! We completed a full mile without stopping! I know for some of you runners out there that would be a walk in the park, but for me this was a huge feat. I had finished my workout, and those endorphins everyone was talking about were finally starting to kick in. The thing is, I had done this before. Finished the mile without stopping but was never able to stick to a routine of actually working out. The reason that I could not stay consistent or push myself to do more is because I became so obsessed with finishing. The end product, the closed rings on the apple watch, the check mark on the list, the feeling of relief when I finally got to stop. In order to become better, to actually enjoy the activity, to become consistent, I had to love all of it. From beginning to end. 

Before I used to dread and abhor change in my life.

What I did not realize was that the tension and discomfort were driving me to become more of the person that I wanted to be.

I needed to lean into the discomfort, the pain, the apprehension that I felt before I pressed start on the treadmill. In the parts that were uncomfortable, and difficult, I was growing. I was becoming healthier, because of the difficulty. Because of this exercise, I came to realize two important values that are changing my life and the way that I approach situations; the first is the power of discomfort. I’ve heard it said from numerous sources that doing the same things yet expecting different results is the definition of insanity. It was not until I started doing these different things that I learned that these sources were right. In order to affect any real change in your life you must be willing to do different,and a lot of the time difficult. things. Do not think that I cannot sympathize; I am an introverted homebody. I am a BIG fan of comfort and while comfort and steadiness are not bad things, you will not grow as an individual if you desperately cling to it. While a small child may find the crib that they have been in since birth reliable and suitable for their sleeping needs, the child eventually will grow and require a ‘big kid bed’. Life itself can very much be this way and we may find ourselves outgrowing old habits, relationships, beliefs, and thought patterns. 

Before I used to dread and abhor change in my life. I would be struck full of anxiety when I realized some of my friendships were waning in their strength, I panicked when I realized that the beliefs I had held since I was sixteen were suddenly challenged with new information or perspectives. I dreaded the burn I felt in my legs and lungs on the treadmill. What I did not realize was that the tension and discomfort were driving me to become more of the person that I wanted to be. I was growing, into the person I wanted to be.

This brings me to the next lesson I have learned: the person who I want to be will determine what I do. This may seem like an obvious statement, but upon observing myself and others, I find that sometimes we think the exact opposite. Whenever I used to plan a new year, I would focus on a huge, challenging list of goals and tasks. I would become obsessed with checking things off the list and would be crushed every time I did not meet a goal or like a failure if I could not keep up with a habit. I was in a cycle like this for quite some time and every year I would reflect and feel like no matter how hard I tried I could not keep up with the expectations I had set for myself. For the past few months, I decided to change my mode of thinking. Instead of being focused on all that I could accomplish, I started thinking about why I wanted to do those things in the first place. What was my real motivation behind the never ending list? Was it for myself? Was it for validation from others? When I finally took a step back to evaluate I realized that a lot of the things on my list were either unrealistic or misguided. 

I could not remain consistent because my motives were rooted in what someone else thought of me i.e. insecurity. I could not complete the task because I truly did not enjoy it and had no desire to pursue it. I ultimately decided that I needed to start thinking seriously about what I believed and who I wanted to be. What did I truly believe about faith, life, and all the things that lead to existential crises? If I was not sure where would I turn for answers? What characteristics did I truly admire and want to embody in my own life? Those had to become the driving forces behind what I did. It could not just be about running the 5k, going to the gym, and eating right; I had to desire to be healthy. I could not have these ideas in my mind of volunteering more or being more involved as general to-do on my ‘One day I will’ list, I had to decide to value compassion in my life. 

Now with every decision, I have these characteristics in the back of my mind. It’s less about what I do and instead, I am more focused on who I am becoming. Since I have adopted this life feels less like short sprints where I am always in last place and more like a marathon that is all my own. I’m less inclined to look at other people and their races because this is one that I designed for myself. Not everyone believes or desires the same things as the next person, so it’s nonsensical to compare myself to them. 

Whether you are on day 297 or day 1 of your journey, stop and take a moment to evaluate if the path you are on reflects who you want to become and embodies what you truly value. Continue to evolve and embrace every uncomfortable moment that comes along with it. I have not yet reached the end of my race, but I imagine that is a good way to run it well.